Four AM Banter
by Sorde
Summary: Sixteen days after the series finale, Lorelai and Rory begin talking on the phone. Drabble. Rory/Lorelai banter. Talk of Rory/Jess, Rory/Logan, and Lorelai/Luke.


_What started out as an exercise to practice dialogue ended in a 1, 500 word 'story', so I decided to post it. It may get confusing, and I'm sorry about that upfront, but really, is there ever any dialogue between Rory and Lorelai that remains completely clear? I think not. Some examples that you, the avid Gilmore Girls fan, should recognize include "Oy with the poodles already!", and "Monkey monkey underpants." Good luck figuring out exactly what the two of them are truly saying below._

"Hello?"

"It's been sixteen days."

"... Mom?"

"Sixteen days!"

"It's four in the morning!"

"Two weeks and two days."

"Since you've had sex?"

"Rory!"

"Sorry, concentrating now. It's been sixteen days since I left, right?"

"Warmer..."

"Oh. Luke hasn't called in sixteen days."

"Bingo."

"He'll call."

"How do you know?"

"It's Luke! Of course he'll call!"

"Why hasn't he called yet, then?"

"Oh, he rethought your relationship and decided it'll never work, so he's off with some Swedish model who likes to wear nothing but a backwards baseball cap."

"Rory!"

"You're right, she'd probably be wearing some sort of flannel, too. Maybe a scarf?"

"Rory!"

"Mom, do you seriously think he has eyes for anyone but you?"

"Do you seriously think Joey had eyes for anyone but Pacey?"

"... She chose Pacey."

"So not the point!"

"Isn't that the whole point?"

"Rory!"

"Look, just wait. He'll call... just like Logan'll call."

"He still hasn't called, huh?"

"He will, though."

"Of course."

"... Mom?"

"Something tells me the conversation is about to be moved away from me."

"Will he call?"

"Do you miss him?"

"Yeah."

"Then yes, he will. He'd be the biggest idiot alive if he didn't."

"If he doesn't call and you kill him, will that make him the biggest idiot dead?"

"No, I think there are some other idiots more deserving of that title."

"Like who?"

"Joe Roth, for one."

"The director of _Revenge of the Nerds II_?"

"The worst sequel ever? Why, yes."

"Isn't he still alive?"

"I hope not."

"Yes, he is, because he's directing the new _Alice in Wonderland..._"

"And he'll be long gone by the time Logan is even supposed to make the biggest idiot dead list, because Logan will call."

"What?"

"Keep up, sweetie."

"Right... Hey, didn't you tell me to never wait around on a Saturday night for someone to call?"

"When was this?"

"Jess."

"Oh. Well, it's not a Saturday night, now, is it? It's a Sunday morning."

"And did you leave the house last night?"

"... Yes. No."

"Uh-huh."

"But this is different then Jess was, hun. Luke and I are..."

"Perfect?"

"With me in the relationship, how could we not be?"

"And Jess and I weren't?"

"Apparently not."

"How do you know when someone is who you're supposed to be with?"

"Well, in my case, he's the only person I've ever loved."

"Dad?"

"Not love-love."

"Well, I've already loved three guys, so..."

"You have not."

"Excuse me?"

"Can you honestly tell me you loved Dean?"

"Yes!"

"No. You couldn't say those three words to him, and then when Jess came along, you forgot about him. That's not love. That's dementia."

"Okay. So two, then."

"One."

"I loved Jess!"

"Really?"

"Try not to sound so approving."

"Hey, take it or leave it, kid. Jess wasn't good to you."

"He got better! You didn't see him in Philadelphia, he was all... grown up."

"_I'm a big kid now._"

"Mom!"

"Sorry, that jingle is so addicting."

"Point taken."

"Look, hun, maybe Logan was your One. Maybe Jess was. You'll have to find out."

"What if it's Jess?"

"Do you want Jess to be?"

"I don't know."

"Figure it out."

"You're helpful."

"I try."

"Mom! Help, please!"

"Okay. Look, I know you. I know you didn't love Dean, no matter how hard you tried. I know that every time you have a problem, you end up with Jess, so... maybe that's a sign."

"Mom, how can you even say that? I love Logan!"

"Hey, kid, if you want help, you might to make up your mind."

"Sorry."

...

"Why do we do this?"

"Do what?"

"Every time we come to the conversation of you and Jess or you and Logan, it stops."

"It does not."

"It does so! Look at us. We never stop talking, until the conversation of you and boys comes up."

"Well..."

"We talk about everything else in the world, except for you and your boyfriends."

"_Boyfriends_? You make me sound like a slut."

"Not slut, just someone who sleeps around a lot."

"Mom!"

"Sorry, it was waving in front of my face. You know you can't give me opportunities like that."

"Are you blaming me for this?"

"One hundred percent."

"I don't even know what to say to that."

"Okay, kid. Go to Jess. See if there's still something there. If not, go to Logan."

"... Mom?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"Should I have said yes?"

"To what?"

"To Logan's proposal. Keep up."

"Throwing my words back at me, huh?"

"I get it from my mom."

"Point taken."

"... Mom?"

"Yes?"

"Answer, please."

"Oh! No, you shouldn't have said yes."

"Are you sure?"

"Is that what you wanted to hear?"

"Not so much."

"You wanted me to say that you shouldn't have said no?"

"Yes."

"You're weird, you realize that? Like, Tim Burton weird."

"You know, last week, you told me I was a chip off the old block."

"When have I ever used that kind of wording?"

"This was after you watched _Dance, Fools, Dance_-"

"Oh."

"-so you were in your old-English phase."

"Not old English. I only do the whole old-English thing after watching _Monty Python._"

"I meant in the platonic, English-used-in-the-20th-century sense."

"Says the college graduate."

"Hey, the 20th century is still old."

"You were born in 1984."

"Anything before 1970."

"Um, hello, are you calling me old?"

"Yes."

"Ouch. That hurts."

"So, any news in Stars Hollow?"

"I haven't left the house in sixteen days. Except for work."

"Not even for coffee?"

"Nope."

"What's Miss Patty saying about you?"

"I think it's probably being passed off as depression. They think I miss you. Ha!"

"Feeling the love, over here."

"Hey, fruit loin, it's my prerogative to miss you when I want to."

"Fruit loin?"

"Loin fruit, fruit loin, whatever."

"You really do need to leave the house, Mom."

"Yeah, yeah."

"He'll call!"

"He probably only ever called me in the first place because he was secretly in love with you..."

"Ew! Gross! Can we please not talk about Luke like that?"

"Hey, can you come home? Maybe then he'll call."

"Oh, so now you miss me?"

"Yes."

"You have no shame."

"Have you met Emily Gilmore? It's in my blood."

"How are Friday night dinners without me?"

"Boring."

"That's what you said when I was still coming."

"Well, your grandmother has taken up pole dancing, so it may become more exciting next week."

"... Excuse me?"

"Yes, it's quite interesting. She was glowing while she told me about her lessons."

"You're not funny."

"Then she showed me the outfit she wears to do it, and I have to say, rhinestones definitely suit her-"

"Hanging up now!"

"Sorry! Sorry, okay, Grandma and Grandpa are fine. Stars Hollow is, as far as I can tell, normal. How's work?"

"... Amazing."

"Wow, it sounds like it."

"I just... I miss Logan."

"Then go see him."

"Yeah, whatever. Oh, hey, and Mom?"

"Yeah, kid?"

"Check your phone again, huh? I've been calling you twice a day for the last sixteen, and for some weird reason, you never pick up. Maybe you turned the ringer off."

"... What?"

"Yeah, it's weird, and..."

"... You are my least favourite child."

"And your most. Win-win."

"I can't _believe_ Luke might've called, and I didn't hear the stupid phone ring! _And_ I can't believe you've let me rattle on about this guy when _you knew _why he hadn't called!"

"So I'll take it you have to go now?"

"Goodbye, Loin Fruit!"

"Call me and give me details!"

"Goodbye!"

"... But not all the details, please. Sometimes, a child needs to be left in the dark."

"Bye!"

"I just want to know what he says. Word for word, so maybe it write it down?"

"I'm hanging up!"

"Good luck!"

"Bye!"

"Bye!"

"Oh, and kid?"

"Yeah?"

"Go see him."

"Love you, Mom."

"Love you too, kid."


End file.
